Officer Dale Goff of the Battstown, Iowa Police Department has confirmed to our correspondent in the field that charges of mu***r are now pending there against former President Bill Clinton. Goff told lead analyst Art Tubolls:
“We have evidence we just got back from the FBI crime lab that puts Bill Clinton’s DNA inside the skeleton of a woman we found nearly 40 years ago. Our investigation concludes that she was traveling with Clinton when he raped and murdered her. She may have been a hitchhiker.”
The Iowa Attorney General says it still hasn’t made the final decision to allow a department with a staff of 4 and a courthouse that meets once a week at the Elementary School can handle a case of this magnitude. Iowa Attorney general Malcolm Reynolds said in a statement:
“While we applaud Battstown for their efforts, we believe we need to escalate this to the state level and maybe even include the FBI. The d**d girl came from Nebraska, meaning state lines were crossed. The evidence is also very shaky. 81% isn’t a matcvh, it’s a coincidence. Still, we’re taking the matter seriously.”
Officer Goff says they don’t need state approval to file criminal charges against an individual. The state can certainly dismiss once the case has been properly passed up the chain. “They’re not gonna squash this before it begins,” Goff told Tubolls, “It doesn’t matter who he is. He needs to answer for his crime.”
Legal experts are concluding this to be a wild goose chase and the networks are refusing to report it. All we have left is the small force working for America in Battstown. Godspeed, patriots. Godspeed.